One More Use For Assassins
by Lynn Metallium
Summary: Another Weiss Kreuz Fairy Tale, not as amusing as The Three Little Bishounen, but it has its points, OmiXNagi


One More Use for Assassins - A Weiss Kreuz Fairy Tale 

By: Lynn Metallium 

Disclaimer: I'm a poor little American girl, please don't sue me- I would be very sad, and since I have no money because I'm not using this for profit, it would be useless to sue me...Even more so since I am armless, legless and goatless- Well not really, but...you know...Anyway, these stories and people belong to whoever it is that they belong to, but not me Xx.... 

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A great raja's daughter, er...*cough* son, was beautiful and talented in hacking computers, and he loved to hunt in the woods on horseback, or he would have if he knew anything about hunting in the woods. He would have been a computer nerd but because they had no electric outlets he was computerless..but anyway, his name was Omi the computer deprived. 

One day, as he was galloping after a fine buck, or rather, clinging insanely to the saddle as the horse made some crazy zigzag patterns, he suddenly found himself in a dense forest, all alone. Gasp, shock, horror and all that jazz. A poor little innocent virgin Takatori all aloooone... 

But pretty Omi didn't fret, he was an assassin..er..princess after all. So he climbed a tree to see if he could spot his followers anywhere in the distance. Unfortunatly for him, all his followers were alcoholics and had wandered off to the local bar and strip club to get their daily dose of drinking. 

As he reached the top branch, he was shocked to see a great forest fire. He watched the fire lapping up trees and shrubs, closing in with tongues of flame on the nests of birds and the lairs of animals, destroying everything in its way. Lucky for all those poor animals, Omi was not a pyro, otherwise, he probably would have encouraged the fire. Instead he was the sympathetic kind that promptly busted into tears. 

Herds of deer and other animals ran about in a frenzy of fear, and birds of various colors were suffocated by the thick smoke, screaming and screeching as they fell into the fire. Omi was moved into horrible sobbing tears that shook his small bootie short wearing body into shaking so hard he almost fell right out of the tree and killed himself all together. 

In the midst of this horrible, graphic PG-13 scene, the princess was utterly inflicted with more tears to see a pair of wild geese trying very hard to save their young ones, their little chicks who didn't even have wings yet. How they were born without wings was added to great mysteries of Omi's life. The mysteries being the three Ps; Prostitutes, Playboy and Porn. 

"Why those poor little buggers!" Omi sobbed. "Someone should save them!" Yet he didn't move. 

They had very little hope of saving themselves or their young ones. As the fire was about to catch the nest, the old male bird made a last desperate attempt and saved himself by flying to a point of safety, leaving the family behind. The mother goose threw herself as a guard over her little ones, who still had no wings, and with all of them screaming wildly, was burned in the flames that closed over them. Poor little Omi was traumatized for life, this was even worse that a Takatori and a katana wielding Aya put in a little box for twenty-four hours of 'Florist Fun in a Box'. 

Finally he rode away safely, magically escaping the roaring flames of death. He was both moved and angered by what he had witnessed. 

"How selfish and unreliable stupid males are!" he said to himself "I'm sure they all stupid, selfish and ugly! I'll have nothing to do with them ever. I'll never trust them." Never mind that he too, was a male. It had yet to register deep inside his poor traumatized brain. I mean, they had been calling him a princess for heaven sakes. And so he made up his mind then and there never to marry, ever. 

His followers, who had been frantically getting drunk before their next part in this insane story, soon caught up with him, and they all went home, where Omi was pampered to a massage by his pleasure slaves....Although we cant seem to figure out why he had pleasure slaves if he was a virgin...hmmmm.... 

From that day on, the princess wore a serious pouty baby face, shunned all males, and told his daddy Crawford that he would never marry anyone. The old man wasn't very upset over this, but for the sake of the story, pretended to give a damn about why he had made such a drastic decision. He was silent, sulking like a baby and gave them no explanations. Soon everybody came to know that the princess was not for marriage, and the number of suitors soon fell off. So therefor Bradley became an alcoholic, and soon after had to quit his assassin life style, and its a wonder they didn't all fall into poverty and starve to death, or resort to cannibalism.... 

One day a well-known artist, Farfello, happened to visit Bradley's court and painted some exquisite porno pictures for the palace guards. But just as he was getting ready to leave, he caught a glimpse of the princess in her skimpy bootie shorts and wanted to put all that beautiful behind into a painting, because lets face it, that just hurt god. So he begged the princess to give him a few nude sittings, which he reluctantly did. He painted with great pleasure...hah..hahahah..*cough* a faithful likeness of his face and luscious behind. And when he finished the painting, he quietly took it with him when he left the city, to sell on the porno back market of child porno....That really hurt god, and Farfello LIKED to hurt god. 

He visited next another raja, Schuldich, who was a great lover of paintings, and porno, so the artist Farfie sold the painting of the princess to him for a large sum of money because making people like Schul poor hurt god. The picture was hung up in the raja's great 'toy room' where all his loving pleasure slaves and prostitutes who saw it admired it and talked about it no matter where they went. They were enchanted by the beauty of the princess and wondered who he could be. And lets face it, that hurt god, it hurt god a lot. 

The raja's only son and heir, Nagi, had been away doing...stuff all this time and returned home, saw the painting in the formally mentioned room and fell madly in love with the image on the canvas without even asking who the original was. That was just a bit twisted for Schul's liking. Canvas was never meant for such things...couldn't his son just be normal and fall madly in love with a human at least? Why did he get the defected things... 

When he did ask who the princess was, nobody knew who or where he was. The lovesick prince lost all pleasure in his daily rounds, shunned company, fell into a gloomy silence, and moped away in his corner of the palace. He was showing signs of depression, which meant a larger amount in his dosage, plus more visits to that annoying psychiatrist, Manx. 

Schul was very happy..er...unhappy to see his son depressed and he soon learned the cause of it. He didn't really care that Nagi could have committed suicide, but he sent messengers in search of the artist, Farfie anyway, just because it was necessary, maybe he would get rid off his defective son while he was at it. But the artist had long since left the country and gone away to foreign lands, as crazy god-hating assassins tend to do. 

The prince's health and temper grew steadily worse and he was angry with anyone who came near him. He even killed a few prostitutes which really ticked Schul off. 

One day the prime minister Yohji a trusted friend of the royal family, happened to arouse him (I know you're thinking it....you ARE arn't you, you dirty hentai! Xx...yeah...youre right..so was I...) from his gloomy reverie by hitting on him, and the prince was so furious that he at once sentenced him to death. The young prince's word was law in that palace, and the poor playboy had no way of escaping his fate. 

When the Schuldich heard of it, he summoned the prince and persuaded him to put off the execution for a few days, so that the prime minister might warm his bed...er... do all his pre-death type things! Yeaaah... The playboy was allowed to go home to his family for the time, after he delivered some earth shattering sex to the raja. 

Though he didn't wish to talk about it to anyone, his family knew all about the fate that awaited him. His youngest son Ran, his not so favorite in the family, glared at him and told him that if he didn't tell him what was going on, he would put him on the wrong end of a katana. 

Now obviously this was very clever and resourceful because Yohji spilled all. So Ran went to the young prince, and somehow succeeded in getting an audience. He demanded that Nagi spare his father's life for a certain length of time, so that he herself could go abroad and find the Takatori...er...woman in the god-hurting painting that was the cause of all this trouble. 

This pleased Nagi very much. 

"Go then, find this woman on god-hurting canvas-" Nagi demanded like a spoiled brat. 

"And then come back and share my bed-" Schuldich winked at the redheaded assassin, whom attempted to skewer him on his katana. 

So Ran made a photo copy of the canvas, although how they had copy machines but no computers is another mystery of life, and he dressed himself as a woman, called himself Aya and set out on his travels disguised as a wandering assassin, which really wasn't much of a disguise after all. 

After a year's weary wandering, he arrived at a distant and strange country, and there, to his great un-obvious joy, everyone who saw the picture knew who the person in the picture was. 

"Thank kami-sama," Aya muttered. "About time I find you, you dirty dirt loving Takatori!" 

So he wandered around and asked people about the dirty dirt loving Takatori, whom turned out to be the princess who would never marry. 

"Never marry?" growled Aya, scaring a poor goat, who was so traumatized by the red head, he ran away, far far away and was eaten by a troll living under a bridge. "What's wrong with this kid? He's still a virgin isn't he...thats what it is...stupid virgins! Stupid virgin Takatori, shi-ne!" 

"Probably," a villager agreed "Stupid virgin Takatoris-" 

This news gave him more enthusiasm. Now he would have to rid the world of this virgin Takatori, and he knew just how to do it too... 

Aya incorporated himself as a poor cutesy little girl and snuck into the palace as a god hurting artist/prostitute girl. After threatening the poor maids to death, he finally found out about the bootie shorted princess and the wingless geese. And about other things...*cough...cough*... 

This more than what the minister's son wanted to know. On one of the walls of the bathroom he drew a stick figure picture that was just the reverse of what the princess had seen in the forest. It was a wonderful picture that showed the utter fickleness of females and the devotion of a male. He substituted a pair of leg less antelopes for the wingless geese, and in the place of the princess he painted a very stuck up young prince, so young, and so horny and so very...did we mention horny?, that he would win the heart of any woman. 

As soon as this picture was ready, the minister's son persuaded the friends of the princess to ask him to come in his bootie shorts and have a look at it. So finally the princess came to see this prostitute/god hurting artist. 

"What's the story in this picture?" Omi demanded when he saw the stick figured leg less antelopes. 

"Virgin Takatori! SHI-NE!....er...*Cough*....Male princess..." Aya forced a cheesy smile that made the world cringe. "This picture is about something that really happened to the prince of our country. He was out hunting in the forest and he saw this scene in a forest fire, which convinced him of the fickleness of all females and the faithfulness of males. This may not interest you very much, but it concerns us greatly in our country. Especially since the antelopes have no legs. This incident has brought such a change in the prince's life. Since this happened, he has shunned all women as faithless and refuses to marry anyone. This decision on the part of his son and heir causes our raja great joy ..er...grief and has cast happyness..er...gloom over the whole court. Nobody knows what to do about it." 

"What a dick...." cried the princess, hardly letting the artist finish his story. "Can males then be faithful and females false? I, for one, always believed that males were false and faithless in all of nature. But now I see there are two sides even to that question. After all, I've observed only one instance and made up my mind too quickly. I'll have to rethink the whole question." 

"Oh..goodie...would you mind screwing Nagi out of his mind while your at it?" 

"Someone should I think," said the princess, "Yes! Yes I shall ^^ Surely I shall, with the greatest pleasure, take me to your home oh god hurting artist!" 

From that day on, through word of mouth, everyone in the kingdom came to know that the princess had become a dirty little whore to Nagi. 

Great was the joy of Yohji, Schul and the young prince when the minister's son returned home, luckily without the head (....*cough..*snicker..*) of the so called virgin Takatori on his katana and told them everything he had accomplished. 

Yohji drug him away in thanks, declaring to the world that Aya wasn't his son, so they could screw like bunnies. 

Nagi didn't waste a day in preparing for his journey. He set out with a grand cavalcade and a magnificent train of followers for the court of the princess's father, and we needn't tell you that the princess accepted him right away as a worthy suitor. The wealth of two kingdoms was poured into the splendor of a gala wedding. And then...they screwed...like bunnies. 

The End 


End file.
